My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
my one true gender
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.