Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
hmmm
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I need to update my racial profile.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.