If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Fries, not lies.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤