i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.