I like donuts.
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.