If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*