It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.