I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one