She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department