ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me