Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Weighing up my bread heating options
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving