Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush