I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring