I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
You Might Also Like
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
hmm conte-me mais
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity