My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
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I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.