December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Everyone’s family