It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐