Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.