Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.