if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
one of
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around