I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
me logging onto twitter
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.