I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa