“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.