My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING