I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.