*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]