I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.