I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Why does laundry happen to good people?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.