I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
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Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”