*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Botany good plants lately?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Anyone really
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*