Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
You Might Also Like
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Phones down.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.