Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
You Might Also Like
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Breaking news:
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s