My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
A new level of troll.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this