Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I don’t think my car can fly
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.