I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you