Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”