[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”