Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
podcasts
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
my mind
You just read my mind
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35