Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My wife gives the best headache.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
A leaf blower, but for people.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse