I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Wednesday