[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.