Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis