Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Goat cheese is for herders.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
i meant to share this earlier
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow