Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
☺️
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.