You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
This has made my week.