[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Why is everyone getting married at me
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.