My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Investing in beetcoin
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I love the honesty