my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..