I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Traveler’s camo
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?