[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.